Posted on 02 Jun 2016 19:29
By Eric Troy and Joe Weir
If you've found this article, you are probably trying to figure out how to be a successful internet fitness professional. You want the followers, the eBook sales, the successful blog, all of it. Most of all you want the A gift to sweaty-palmed people everywhere.bro-fists (virtual or otherwise) with the other highly successful internet fitness personalities.
What you are about to read will help you establish a winning mindset. You will learn about the habits that lead to success for the most famous fitness pros on the internet! Incorporating even one or two of these will make a huge difference in your career! So let's get right to it!
If you want to be a successful internet fit pro, you've got to learn to over-react. A lot. Over-react to everything. You don't even have to overreact in a negative way. JUST OVER-REACT.
A new study comes out? Get fucking excited. Tell everyone, holy shit, THIS! A study was done and NOW we KNOW!
Or, you know, you could do something like "Chocolate is not a fucking health food! It's fucking chocolate! So stop acting like chocolate is a Goddamn health food for crying out loud!"
To be clear, it doesn't really matter what you are reacting to. Just use a lot of all caps and make memes about it. Yell a lot. Take a stand! Remember to stand in the most profitable location.
2. Don't Train People
Dealing with people's shit all day just gets in the way of your internet awesomeness. So avoid that. Make sure to make fun of people who have trainers and maybe make a few FAIL video compilations.
Whatever you do never blame a coach or a trainer when people fuck up in their effort to get in shape. Just make fun of them and make sure all your followers know about it so they can make fun of them with you. Remember that in webernet land, bullying is perfectly acceptable. A good example would be a list of dumb exercises people do. If you can include videos so your followers can join you in the sneering and jeering that follows, you'll be golden. Remember, it doesn't matter if you understand the context. Fitness is all about what you like and dislike!
And if someone does blame a coach or trainer, remind them that fit pros should come together and discuss things with 'positivity.' Positivity should be spoken in a sing-song voice. If you're typing, just think in a sing-song.
Now, of course, you don't want to go around saying you never trained anyone. Don't ask; don't tell.
Make sure you mention science a lot and stand UP for science! And studies. Don't forget to also mention studies because you can't have science without studies.
And when someone disagrees with you, make sure you inform them that they are not scientific. And they have no evidence. Like you do. Because of science.
Remember, the purpose of being evidence-based is so that you don't have to get into all that "practice knowledge" stuff, which takes up too much of your time…time better spent posting studies on social media! And, remember the purpose of a study is to confirm that you are right. Now, if someone questions the term evidence-based, throw a diagram or two at them. Maybe a chart. Or a PowerPoint presentation is good, too.
4. Like All the Fit Pro Articles
You don't have to read the articles but make sure you like everything on Twitter or Facebook. Unless it's them. Never like anything by them. Only by us.
Especially like stuff with a lot of likes. And when it has a lot of likes, make sure you comment. But never comment about the actual article. Just make sure everybody knows that you and the fit pro who wrote the article are BFF's. Say something like "me and you gone crush it" even if you've never actually crushed anything with anyone.
The last thing you want is a bunch of people asking you for actual fitness or training advice. If you give it away for free, nobody will buy your products. So, remember, everything you talk about or write about should be "in theory" only (this is a good place to mention science and studies). If they want the good stuff, they need to buy your book. And make sure the good stuff is always in the next book. Keep em coming back for more!
As far as the book goes, don't get too caught up in it as there are only so many hours in a day and most of your time should be spent on Facebook or Twitter. Just find another fit pro book you like and rewrite it in your own words, adding an indispensable twist here and there. Maybe improve the title.
6. Be a Renaissance Man Or Woman
You really are not going to have time to learn about things having to do with fitness or being a fitness trainer. But, the last thing you want to do is make it seem like you don't know about stuff.
So, every day, you're going to want to post links to two or three really scholarly and very scientific seeming things. The further it is removed from the fitness trainer business, the better. If it is completely obscure and utterly incomprehensible, even better still. This way your followers will see you've got your finger on the pulse of really smarty-pants stuff. It should only take a few minutes to skim and understand most of it.
7. Be a Skeptic
Scratch that. Being a skeptic will take up a lot of your time. Just say you're a skeptic whenever you get a chance.
Keep in mind one important caveat. Skepticism won't pay the bills so only be skeptical about things all the people in your bro-fisting network are skeptical about.
Nobody wants some muscle or some strength, they want all of it! Promise them things like maximum muscle or extreme strength. Never mind you have never been anywhere near maximum or extreme anything in your life. After all, that kind of thing is for meatheads and gym rats, not scholars like you!
It's a half-assed world but that stops when you enter the gym. Nobody wants to be inefficient in the gym. Optimize everything! Make sure every exercise includes a small tweak to really target those pesky muscles like biceps, triceps, and shoulders. Remember to use the word overload a lot. While you're at it you might as well optimize their nutrition plan and locker storage.
10. Fix the Problem, Then Fix it Again, and Again
I know you're going to ask "what problem, bro?" (We'll get to bro a bit later). Making up problems will become one of your jobs. You should get into the habit of using your smart phone or a little notepad so you can jot down any problems that pop into your head.
Here's an example: Biceps non-responder? No problem. Watch this one video about how to grow your garter snakes into full blown pythons. Still have a biceps problem? Okay. Watch the other 11 videos where I talk about the exact same problem but with a slight, seemingly insignificant yet very important change in information and exercises. You see how cool a job this is?
Hey, prehab beats rehab! This relates to tip ten, above.
Remember that all your clients are really patients. Don't worry, you don't really need clients. I mean your imaginary clients. Extremely physiologilolicly (sic) damaged patients. They need plenty of TLC to straighten out their vast array of potential issues such as anterior pelvic telt, scapular winging, IT band syndrome, patella femoral pain syndrome, frozen hips, frozen shoulders, mobility of pectoralis major, forward head posture, anterior pelvic tilt, acetabular impingement, shoulder impingement, rotator cuff dysfunction, anterior pelvic tilt, etc.etc. 30-180 minutes of foam rolling, mobility work, and specific prehab exercises is a must. If you're wondering where to find all these cool things to treat, try Google.
This is great when you don't know how to do things like a barbell squat. Just pick a hip problem. Then you can write about your problem, throw in a few diagrams, and show people how to solve their hip problem. You know, the one that you have. This way, you can spend less time squatting, and more time social-medializing! Apply a similar method to other problem exercises.
Now, if you are not into that, and I don't blame you, since it sounds like actually having to deal with pesky people asking you for help with their imaginary problems, you can refer to tip number one.
Remember that even though you are a bro, you don't want to be accused of "broscience" or bro-anything (although you will need to master the bro-fist). To deal with this conundrum, just overcompensate and say bro in a Seth MacFarlane kind of a way. You know, in a way that says "I'm really making a social commentary here, without actually making any comments." That confuses people. The trick is to be a bro, but not a bro, so you can get bro-benefits without actually hanging out on the bro side of the room, which is the same side the meat-heads hang out on.
13. When In Doubt, Ridicule
The number one thing you need to know about the effectiveness of ridicule has nothing to do with its effect on those you ridicule. The magic happens with your adoring fans. When you ridicule some other professional on the internet, they feel all warm and fuzzy inside and like you even better! After all, they are your fans and you are RIGHT, which makes them right. It's a win-win.
15. Bring Out the Straw Man
No, don't create straw man arguments. Although, what the hell, you may as well do that too. However, if someone attacks your viewpoints, it's the only fallacy you need to know. Just throw it out there and watch the chips fall in your favor! Don't worry, you will not need to explain how your opponent is exaggerating your statements or misrepresenting them. The term straw man alone is enough to get you out of jail for a couple of days, at least.
Once in a while, you'll have to deal with someone who sees through all your awesome methods, and you may have trouble coming up with a response. Sarcasm is your friend! If you've done your job, you've become bro-fisting buddies with a lot of other internet fit pros and you might want to call on them to deliver their own sarcasm-bullets. Ping! Ping! Zzzzzziiiiip! (That's the sound of sarcasm bullets).
If someone gets too involved in defending or rebutting some position, say "Do you even lift, bro." If it becomes clear that they actually do lift, and before it becomes clear that you and 'lift' are not bro-fisting buddies, call them a fanboy. Then say "do you even do legs?" That'll shut em up.
And there you go! Now get out there in webernet land and get busy brotizing the world!
This page created 02 Jun 2016 19:29
Last updated 11 Aug 2016 20:13