Posted on 11 Oct 2014 21:18
I've had a change of heart. I'll admit, I was ready to join with many of my fitness pro friends and rally against her message, but now that I've begun reading what the Food Babe has to say in a little more depth, I see that she is doing people a favor by making their life much, much simpler. I figured that I'd write down some reasons so that when your friends tell you she's wrong you'll be armed with some good reasons why they should listen to her.
1. You'll Know What to Buy and Where to Shop
Food Babe makes our life much easier. First, pretty much avoid buying anything made by a big food company and look for the following key words on food labels:
- Gluten Free
So what if you'll pay more money for these label decorations? It makes shopping so much easier! Of course, you could just skip all that and only buy products made by Food Babe partners. And remember to eat REAL FOOD. Also remember, make sure to keep your phone with you at the store. You never know when a little organic company is going to be bought by General Mills or some other evil corporation. Before you buy you'll want to check in with her on that!
2. You'll Know When Your Doctor Asks You to Do Something, It's Bullshit
Your doctor doesn't know what he or she is talking about. It's better to just face the facts. You've wondered about this in the past, I know. Now you can stop wondering. Next time you go to the doctor, write down everything he or she says, then make sure to go to Food Babe's Facebook page and run everything by her so she can tell you what to do, instead. Then just listen to her. In fact, skip the doctor altogether and just let the Food Babe be your M.D. No insurance required! You get an occasional tummy ache? Let her cure you! You can't get rid of that itch on the roof of your mouth? You know, the one you try to scratch with your tongue? It's probably dem chemicals! Food Babe is waiting to help! She may refer you out to one of her approved doctors but they are all standing by waiting to treat what ails you, and you don't have to wonder if they're quacks: They're Food Babe approved! So much simpler.
3. You'll Know It's Time To Move to Europe!
The Food Babe has taught us that everything food related in the U.S. is wrong. The U.S government just screws up our food supply, water supply, and our vitamin supply. On the other hand, the enlightened Europeans seem to have it all figured out. They really can't seem to do any wrong when it comes to food. So, if you really want to stop worrying about your health, move to Europe. Don't worry, you can still get the internet there and the Food Babe is a click away!
4. You'll Know That Haters Hate!
This is a message that all of us just need to face. Them haters sure will hate. So, when your friends question your new-found enlightenment, get new friends. Don't let them haters hate on you. And remember, the Food Babe loves you. All the little babies too!
Eat it, drink it in a smoothie, snort it, smoke it…LIVE IT! Ask for it by name!
K-A-L-E spells kale!
5. You'll Know How To Pronounce Caramel
It's Karmel not care-a-mell. Wait, that has nothing to do with Food Babe. That's just me. But, if you listen to Food Babe, you'll know Starbucks is the most important place on the planet and it is about time that the most important place on the planet starts listening to hardly any of their customers! Also, their coffee has a brownish color.
6. You'll Know That Ingredient Lists Are Incomprehensible, So Don't Even Try
You don't know what those big words are?! It is simple. They are toxins. Make sure to keep Food Babe apprised of all the ingredient lists on the foods you buy so she can tell you what is safe to eat. Man, I am feeling peaceful and secure knowing we have such a watchdog to guide us. I save mine on a word doc and I plan to send them to her twice a week. I'm starving, though so I think I'll have to send early. What to eat, what to eat…I have no idea what toxins are in fruits so I'm waiting for her response on this apple I've been craving. I'm sure she's busy. Is there a special VPI program I can join so I can get faster service?
7. You'll Get That Cool Driver's License Veterans Notation
I couldn't get it this last time I renewed my driver's license. I'd already been waiting for about an hour when they asked me if I was a veteran so I could get the veteran's notation. I didn't want to go home and get my Food Babe Army credentials and then have to wait all over again. It probably would have been worth it, though!
8. You'll Know That if Your Internet Goes Down, You Should Fast
For all you know, every bite of food you eat or sip or beverage you drink SUPPORTS MONSANTO. I hear that they are working on a Monsanto app, though. You plug in the food and it gives you a thumbs up for "no Monsanto" and a thumbs down for "Monsanto is in it!" This will be one of those million dollar apps for sure and I am so glad that Food Babe will get a percentage!
9. You'll Know That When In Doubt: KALE!
What is the most nutritious food? Kale. What do you want in your Christmas stocking? Kale. What is better than squirrel meat? Kale. What rhymes with pale? Kale. Who's pale? You. Why? Because you use too much toxic sunscreen!
10. Last But Not Least: Who Else Are You Going to Tell What Organic Food You are Eating Today?
I don't know about you, but every time I've ever eaten an organic food, I've thought to myself, "If I only had someone on the internet that I could tell about this here organic food I'm eating." Now you do! What fun is eating all organic if you don't have an internet personality to share it with? Food Babe, in her typical selfless way, has filled the deep-seated need we've all had for so long.
You know, I had to stop myself from going for twenty. The services that Food Babe provides are so wide, so varied, and so absolutely altruistic! There is nothing she won't do to protect our health. She is there for you and waiting. Go avail yourself of her expertise. No insurance required! It's free! Like I said above, I know you want to know what to do about that slight stomach ache you sometimes experience, and that bout with constipation you have at least once a year. And, what food causes that itch on the roof of the mouth that so often plagues us unhealthy eaters. What about that red spot between your toes? Ask her, she'll know! I guarantee it.
This page created 11 Oct 2014 21:18
Last updated 23 Jul 2016 01:05